We have been made to believe that the primary issue in most relationships is not sex, money, children or any of the typical areas that we are convinced are the core reasons for an unhappy relationship.
Lack of communication or communication which is misunderstood and misinterpreted is more often than not the primary cause for an unhappy relationship and its eventual demise.
There is one other reason that is even more crucial. You are with the wrong person. And why are you with the wrong person? Because in the beginning, neither of you laid it all out, naked and raw, expressing exactly who you are and who you need to be with when you were getting to know each other. The choice to be together was not made with all of the necessary information that was needed to make an informed and intelligent decision.
In other words, you screwed yourself by not expressing yourself.
Lack of serious communication is either ruining your relationship, keeping it dull, boring and passionless, or had already doomed it from the very beginning.
Here are some of a few communication commandments I have learnt over the years and I want to share them with you.
* You must express yourself fully if you expect to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling and satisfying intimate relationship.
* You must learn how to communicate clearly, effectively and often.
* You must be open and honest when you communicate if you wish to find and keep the right person for you. Anything less will give you a “good enough” type of relationship with a “good enough for you” person or possibly an unhealthy, waste of time relationship with a person that is completely wrong for you.
*You must be self-aware if you want to be able to communicate your own wants and needs to someone else. If you do not know what you need, there is no way for you to tell them and certainly no way for them to know.
*You must be willing to confidently and assertively tell your significant other exactly what you want, need and expect. No hesitation, no embarrassment, no dancing around the edges.
*Be bold. Be blunt. Be brutal. Do not hold back and make sure they do the same.
Now some of us may find it hard to express ourselves. And in order to express yourself effectively you have to be comfortable and confident, if you are with someone that you do not feel comfortable and confident with, then you probably should not be with that person.
* Read everything, books, magazines, articles, stories, blog posts, it really doesn’t matter. Reading will increase your ability to express your thoughts, just by default.
* Actually read a book on communicating effectively if that will help. There are loads of books on that.
* Do not try and communicate on any important topic while you are fighting. This is a complete waste of time and energy and will only result in misunderstanding. Expressing yourself on any important issue should be done when things are good, calm and peaceful. That is when you will have the most effective conversations.
* Let the other person know this is a two way street, they also get to communicate their needs and desires. They will be more likely to hear you out if they know they are going to get the same consideration in return.
* Repeat back what you heard and understood to ensure that you correctly interpreted what they expressed.
* Create a safe zone. You need to be in a relationship that allows for expression, without fear or judgment. You should both feel that.
* Just start talking. Start out with little things. “I would like you to spend more time with me cuddling before we fall asleep.
Just keep talking, no matter if you are dating, living together, recently married, 25 years into a marriage, keep expressing yourself and communicating. It is empowering! It is liberating! Most importantly, you will always have much happier, healthier and more satisfying relationships.
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